Don't Wish Time Away

"We were just wasting time

Let the hours roll by

Doing nothing for the fun

A little taste of the good life

Whether right or wrong

Makes us want to

stay, stay, stay, stay, stay for a while."

I can't count the times I have said, "I can't wait to be done with school" or " I can't wait until I am in the real world." However, now that graduation is less than 4 months away, I am not really sure why I spent so much time wishing time away. This time, it is precious time. Time you can never get back and time that can never be replicated in your lifetime. You really only have now, this moment, this time.....

Life is always like this. You want something to be over so badly so you can move on to the next thing..... but towards the end, you realize how much fun you are having and don't really want it to be over at all. The nature of the beast I suppose. Tonight at the basketball game, I realized how much I will miss times like those; surrounded by friends, laughing and having the time of our lives. College is a very special time in a person's life; full of growth, change, ups and downs. College is where you really learn who you are and how much you can really take. It is about being independent and stepping out of your comfort zone. It is about opening your heart and mind to new ideas and new people. College shapes you, forms you, molds you, and even transforms you.

I am thankful.... for so many things. These four years have tested me-- my inner self, the core being of me. I wasn't perfect, far from it actually, I wouldn't trade these 4 years for anything. I have love, lost, and learned. This is really only the beginning and that is the most amazing part of it all.

Seek and Find: More than a puzzle

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together."

-Marilyn Monroe

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Sometimes, I really don't understand why things happen the way that they do. Why do bad thing happen to good people? Why do only the good die young? Why do people ask dumb questions? Why do people make mistakes that hurt people they care about? When will life make sense? Will life ever make sense? Is there really a secret to life?

While questions sometimes lead to answers, but sometimes they only leave you feeling more unsure than when you started. It has taken me a long time to stop asking so many questions and just live my life. For a long time, I thought I was on this quest for knowledge, but while on this quest, I forgot to just be, just live, just enjoy. Living your life constantly in a state question-- always wondering, always searching, always waiting.... it leads to a dead end and you are right back where you started. Lost, alone, scared, and still searching.

I have found that allowing yourself to find your way as you go is much more fulfilling than always feeling the need to be in control. It hit me one day-- as much as I think I am in control of what goes on in my life, I am not. While each day I am allowed to make choices, there is a bigger plan laid out for me. I lost faith in that plan for awhile, thought I knew a better, more direct route to what I wanted. However, thankfully, I found my way back to where I belong; with the people I love and that love me, to old friends that ground me and to new ones that challenge me, to the place my heart feels content, yet ready for tomorrow.

I decided to stop waiting, planning, searching, and longing. I decided to stop waiting for the phone to ring, and just pick up and call. I decided to stop living my life by my planner, and more by the only book that really matters. I decided to stop searching, and start finding. I decided to stop longing for what I didn't have, what has been lost, what can't be had any longer.... I decided to live. In the moment. In the present. Now.

And wow, does it feel good. I am still on a journey, but the type of journey I am on has changed drastically. My journey is now more simple, more attainable, more realistic, and much more meaningful. I will invite you to join, but I won't allow you to slow me down. The opportunity is present, my hand is extended... all YOU have to do it take it. Take my hand and come along.

The time is now, for tomorrow isn't a guarantee.

People like you can't be forgotten, even when people like me want to forget you

Today, I gave. More than I wanted to, more than I thought I could. I saw you, I engaged you, I even ask you how your damn day was. That was big for me. Because as much as I want to act like you don't matter to me, you do. As much as I want to act like there is nothing there, there is. As much as I want you forget you, I can't. People like you can't be forgotten, even when people like me want to forget you.

You're a part of my memories; sometimes I wish I could just store you away in a box deep inside my heart, like a person stores momentos in an attic. You have power over me still, and I hate it. I hate that I care for you. I hate that I love you. I hate that, I can't hate you.

Someday I am sure I will look back on all this and laugh at myself for being so stuck on you. But for now, I don't laugh about it..... but at least I am not crying anymore.

You just might find if you give it time, you will wave hello again

I am learning ever so quickly the value of being independent, being who you are, and letting things go. I am realizing the the world really can be cruel, isn't all sunshine and roses, and doesn't always give second chances. Bad choices, mistakes, miscues, wrong turns.... they all have consequences-- some more detrimental than others. I am understanding more and more everyday the value of family, friends and loved ones. How quickly they can be taken and how much it hurts when they are gone. I am finding comfort in the simple things in life-- laughing, old photographs, accomplishments and accolades, good conversation, clean sheets, smell good lotion, and oh so many random things that can bring one pleasure. I am reconnecting with old friends and allowing new friends into my life. I am deciding to live for the moment, not in the past or even in the future. I am planning for today, not tomorrow or next week. I think more so I am letting myself let go... let go of so much that has held me back, let me down, caused me pain, hurt, anger, and resentment. I am allowing myself to give second chances, and maybe even get them. I am playing the hand that has been dealt and hoping I can cash in on what cards I have. I am refusing to settle for less than I deserve, less that I am worth, or less that I can achieve. I am pushing my limits and stepping outside my comfort zone. I am living, laughing, and loving more than I ever have. I am going to a whole new level and hoping that a new perspective will allow me to see life completely different. Change can be hard, but it can also be oh so amazing. I am opening my eyes, ears, and heart and embracing the world in which I live. Sometimes the most brilliant and amazing things take a while to discover, even though they have been there all along. I am being me, who I am, for better or for worse.

A new year brings a whole lot of new things... I am ready... ready for whatever this year has to offer. Here I stand, arms and heart wide open; not looking but being ready to be found. Find me.... maybe even find me again.

You'll Never Leave This World Alive

My final semester has started... it is already flying by. I am sure it will be May before I know it. It is so hard to believe... but something that I am extremely proud of. I will be a graduate... have a degree... be in the real world, for real. It is all so much to take in and process.

Post-College life is starting to take shape as well. I applied to the Americorps NCCC program. I have been invited to serve and have been assigned to the Sacramento Campus. The tenure of service is 1o months. They told me that I can expect to be serving at least half of my time in the Gulf Coast, which is something I am very excited about. At first I wasn't sure whether or not this is something that I should do or not, but it really seems like it will be an amazing experience full of learning and good times. 10 months away from home is kind of scary.... but at the same time... I think that it will amazing and I will benefit from the time away from my comfort zone. I feel like I grew a lot while I was at Camp Pinewood, and that was only for 3 months. 10 months doing something that will seriously improve the quality of peoples lives is something that I think I should take full advantage of. I was nervous about deciding what to do after college, however, this opportunity just kind of presented itself... and I am going to see where it takes me.

I feel like each day I live I am growing, learning and changing. I am becoming more aware of the world around me each day and truly what a gift we are given each day we wake up with air to breathe and life to live. My faith and trust in God continues to grow and change as well, bringing we ever closer to God and realizing he is my best friend. It has taken me a long time to get where I am and be comfortable in my own skin. I am learning the beauty of life and little things. I am missing old friends and making new ones, taking chances and laying it all on the line, living- freely and truly.

Tragedy like my family has recently experienced really causes you to look at your life; what you are doing to help yourself and others. We were not designed to be ordinary, we were made to be unique individuals with our own special gifts and talents to use and bring glory to the one that gave them to us in the first place. I have learned so much through the loss of Mary Kate.... and I hate that it has taken me so long to really put all the pieces together. I know I have wasted time being petty, stupid and ignorant to the things that really matter in life. But yesterday is gone, and so are all the missed opportunities. However, the amazing thing is that each day we wake up, we are given a fresh start, a chance to do the right thing, make the right choice, and maybe even to change the world. Start small and work our way to something magical.... it can happen.

I am learning to find peace in the most simple of things- music with a good beat, friends and family that love me, conversation that makes me laugh and smile.... moments and memories... those are the things I want to live for. Not something temporary, but something tangible. Something that I can feel, touch, and love. We all are only here for such a short time, why waste one day... why waste such an amazing and powerful gift? I don't plan to.

Merry and Bright... Teary and Tattered....

My last Christmas break is almost over..... only a few more days, and I will begin my final semester at Bellarmine. It is SO hard to believe. This break has been full of so many emotions: from the wonderful feelings associated with Christmas to the pain and sorrow of losing Mary Kate.

Christmas has always been one of my favorite times of the year, but this year... it was overshadowed by sadness and tears. Mary Kate, my 18 year old cousin was killed in a tragic accident on the December 23rd. She was driving home from her boyfriend's family Christmas party and it was really windy and rainy. In a moment, her young life was over. I spent the day after Christmas and the day following that at the funeral home and in tears. This year and forever, Christmas will never be the same. I will always think of waking up and hearing she had died, the first time I talked to her parents and let them sob in my arms.... It was truly a nightmare. So needless to say, I have had better breaks.

This year has been full of a lot of hard times... the accident this summer, the incident at school, and now this.... so many young people being taken too soon or making choices that will change their lives forever. All of the things I have been through have made me realize we are truly only passing through this life. We never know when our time is up, when our last day will be. Time is so precious and I am lucky each day I wake up with another day to live. I have always known it, but these events have really reaffirmed it.

It is hard to believe it is 2008.... I hope it is the best year yet.... maybe a lofty goal... but I have the power to make it amazing. Who knows what this year will hold, but whatever it is... I hope it is full of happiness, health, and many good memories. I hope that it will be a year to remember and the beginning of many wonderful new things in my life. It is going to be a big year for me..... I am very excited.

Thing have changed in my life... but I think it is for the better. Things still hurt, I still make mistakes... but I am given a daily gift of life and a chance to make things right. I will never be perfect... but I am a lot closer than I used to be.