"Sometimes you just need to be with the person

who makes you smile, even if that means waiting."

I miss the days, the days we used to just be able to sit and talk... about whatever. We didn't need a plan, it didn't have to make sense, it was just right. I wish that I could go back and take in those times. I wish I could bottle the love, happiness, and contentment that I felt then and use it now.

The End Is Never Reached Before The Start

"Baby I woke up cryin last night,

just to realize that you were gone.

Has it been two long years without you?

When are you gonna come home?" -Indigo Girls

What a funny thing forgiveness is. It is more than just a word, comprised of letters. It is a state of mind, a feeling.

When someone hurts you, they take a part of your heart. They make you feel empty in places that you never knew existed. They take your innocence, your pride, your trust, and your love. People do things all the time that we can forgive for almost instantly... but then there are other things, things we can't forgive for. It's not that we don't want to forgive, it's just that we have been hurt so badly, we don't know where to begin.

I guess I have been on both sides of forgiveness enough to know it is something that can't be rushed or made to happen... no matter how bad you want it. I know the pain of both wanting to forgive and not knowing how, as well as waiting for someone to be able to forgive me. Both entail so much: time, love, patience, willingness, and strength.

While the whole forgiveness process is something that is different for each individual no one will say it is easy. It isn't easy, everyday is a struggle. When trust has been broken, it takes a lot of time and love to build it back. Questions and doubts fill minds and hearts.... it happened once, could it happen again. Forgiveness is a leap, trusting that person again to be there to catch you.

Will things ever be the same? I don't really know. I can only hope that one day, this will all be a distant memory. That one day I will be able to look at you and see only love.. not distrust, anger, pain, and hurt. While questions are a big part of the process, there is one thing I am certain of: It is worth it, whatever it takes, regardless of time, tears, and turmoil.... one day we will be "US" again.

Until then.... may the memories be your comfort.

Let them go... let them all go....

"The thing people forget is how good it can feel when you finally set secrets free.
Whether good or bad, at least they're out in the open, like it or not.
And once your secrets are out in the open, you don't have to hide behind them anymore.
The problem with secrets is even when you think you're in control, you're not."

Secrets.... they give you power, cause you anguish, build bridges and burn them to the ground. It is interesting to me how much of my life I have wasted trying to keep secrets. From meaningless who likes who, to life changing events. They seemed ever so important at the time. Looking back now, how important were they really if I couldn't tell anyone?

I guess secrets are a part of everyone's life. You tell them, you keep them, you hide them, you find them out.... they are as much a part of life as anything else. But what is even more interesting me is the minute you find out a secret all you want to do is tell someone else. There is a burning need deep inside of you, dying to divulge the important information you just received. And most people, myself included, have "that person" you like to share secrets with the most. But what happens when "that person" can't know the secret? That is when life gets really tough.

I have learned that secrets have power, but the most empowering thing one can do it let them go, let them all go. Secrets provide cover for things you don't want anyone to find out.... but once they know, even if it is bad for awhile, there is a sense of release. Letting go of secrets, lies, deceptions, and untruths takes the power away from the secret and gives it back to you.

Things are the way they are, plain and simple. Keeping something from the people you care about most isn't easy... but telling them isn't easy either. But one thing I have learned, the hard way, secrets end up hurting people. You think you are being a good friend keeping something from someone so they don't get hurt, but really, you are hurting them more. Be a real friend, tell them the truth. The deeper the secret goes, the longer it lasts, the more difficult it is to let go.

Tell me your secrets..... and I'll, I'll tell you mine........

There's Somethin' About Those Songs......

I am in a reflective mood, so here goes.

"Life passes so quickly you've got to take the time, or you'll miss what really matters, you'll miss all the signs." -Amanda Marshall

The older I get the more precious I realize time is. People you love the most are the ones that hurt the most when you lose them. Life is really all about the small things- the birth of a baby, the first day of spring, laughing so hard it hurts, hot chocolate, and memories. If you don't slow down and take in all those things in life they will pass you by before you know it. Regret is a horrible feeling... each day we are giving the opportunity to live life to the fullest, free of regret. Why not take advantage of the amazing gift we are given daily.

"It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life.- Greenday

Besides being one of the best songs ever written, it really describes how sometimes the things that we think are going to be the biggest curse end up being the biggest blessings. I know I complain about all the curve balls life has thrown me, but really it isn't all that bad. At the end of the day, I have family that loves me, friends that are amazing, food to eat, money in the bank (even if it sometimes less than I'd like), and I have the faith that God will provide. While my life is far from perfect, and unpredictable doesn't really even begin to describe it... I am having the time of my life and I am blessed.

"We only had a few days, and a whole lot of memories to make. Oh man we were livin, didn't waste one minute. We talked and drank and danced and said goodbye. We laughed until we cried." -Jason Aldean

As my college years are nearing the end, I am becoming more aware of how special these days truly are. There will never be another time in my life that I am this free, so full of opportunity and promise. Being a Senior in college has forced me to examine the fact that this is really it.... the real world is waiting. And while the "Real World" brings some seriousness, I am learning the value of laughter. Laughing so hard it hurts, laughing until I cry.... living every moment for all it is worth, knowing there will never be another moment in time exactly like the one I am living. Go ahead, laugh until you cry.

I know I'll see you again. Whether far or soon. But I need you to know that I care, And I miss you. - Incubus

Not anyone in particular, just all those that I have lost touch with. The fun and friends of high school seem to be fading more and more with each passing day. The people that I once considered my best friends, are no longer. People I thought would never betray me, did. People I thought I would have in my wedding, won't be. People that I thought I would never hurt, I did. And I miss the times when life was simple and our biggest worry was whether or not we would be able to find away to skip a class and go to Qdoba. Wow, how things have changed. But regardless of time or circumstance, I will always have those memories. Not only will the memories remain forever, but so will the love. I miss you all... and if you want to come back to me.... know you will always have a place.

"My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to, your dreams stay big, your worries stay small, You never need to carry more than you can hold, and while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,Yeah, this, is my wish." -Rascal Flatts

This is always a good song to end things on... so I will just roll with it. For all the people in my life, those that I love, those that I admire, those that make me who I am... this is my wish. I don't really have to elaborate much because the song says it all. I hope that each of can read this and know my love for you. If you are in my life, you are in my heart and I wish you only the best.

Wow... I didn't know I had that much to say... guess there really is just Somethin' About Those Songs....

"I'm so tired.... but I can't sleep....."

So, I am sitting the lobby of the dorm at 2:00 because I cannot sleep, and I have no idea why. I guess I have some idea, because I don't feel well and I have been so stressed this week.... but I laid there for 2 hours and still couldn't fall asleep. So, I got up and came down here to try and relax..... it isn't working so much because there are annoying people down here working on their Philosophy paper. They are talking about Plato at the moment... pretty sure it is stuff about The Republic.... which I hated.

Anyway, I am over school. This week has been SO bad. I have had so much going on and on my mind. I had 4 tests and 3 presentations... not to mention the financial aid drama and the yearbook. I am managing... but I am just getting to the point where I really need a break. I hate when I get like this because I just can't turn my mind off. That is probably why I can't fall asleep tonight. This is probably going to be the most random, incoherent post I have ever done. But I am counting it as therapy.... who knows if it actually is or not.

So yeah... it is strange how many people are awake at this hour. I am not sure what they are thinking. I, for one, like my sleep. Another reason why this is so annoying for me. I am such a grouch when I haven't had enough sleep... and tomorrow, of all days, I need to be well rested. Oh well... I will be OK. It isn't the first all nighter of my life... probably won't be the last.

Life is so crazy right now. It is such a busy time, with so much going on. I can't believe that I will be graduating in 6 months. It just doesn't seem real that college is over. Time has passed too quickly. I think about all I have learned over these 4 years, and it makes me proud. I can't believe how much I have changed over these years. I am the same person I was 4 years ago, but at the same time.... I am transformed. Not in a freaky transformers kinda way... but rather a good, complete way.

I know I still have so much to learn. That used to scare the shit out of me.... but now it makes me smile. I am thirsty for knowledge. I love to learn, change, and explore. Life is not exactly what I thought it would be at this point of my life, but that is OK. I have taken some major twists and turns over the years, but when I examine the person I have become today.... I am proud. I am me, and everyday, I am learning to love and accept me.

There is a certain peace that comes with loving yourself that I never really realize until now. When you finally stop trying to change who you are, what you have and your circumstances, you it is refreshing. Embracing who you are is not always easy, but once you learn how to, it is worth all the time, effort, and strife it took to get there.

I look back at the mistakes I have made and what each of them has taught me... needless to say, I have learned so much. (The easy way of saying I have screwed up a lot.) There is no reason to waste time quantifying my mistakes, or even analyzing them. What's done is done.... there is no way to go back and change what is in the past. However, I have a choice in where I go now. There is a sense of ease when you put your trust in something higher and know that you will end up where you need to be one way or another. I trust in that something higher and believe wholeheartedly that I am only beginning a very eventful and exciting journey.

I have been thinking a great deal about what I want to do when I "grow up." I have decided several things regarding this topic. 1. I never want to grow up completely. I hope I never lose the youthful sense of life that I now possess. I hope I never stop believing in magic or fairy tales.... because who knows, one just may come true. 2. I hope to have many different careers in my life. I don't want to, at 21; decide the rest of my life. I want to dabble in all the possibilities before me finding my niche. 3. And possibly the most important, I hope that I can always remember the value of life, love, happiness, and experience. There is nothing more precious that life. It can be taken from us so suddenly, most of the time before we are ready. Love is the most amazing aspect of life. It can build you up and tear you down, like nothing else. It has such power over our lives, and can truly make life worthwhile. Happiness is such a relative thing. There is not a formula or exact way to go about finding it. However, when you achieve happiness, it makes it all come together. It really is what it is all about. Experience... that is what helps you learn and grow. I wouldn't be who I am without the experiences I have had... good, bad or otherwise..... Experiences have made me who I am and I am grateful for each and every one of them.

I am getting a second wind. I feel like I could go run a mile.... well, maybe not quite a mile. Maybe around the dorm. But that would involve effort... and that is just not happening. So, instead I think I might try and go to bed.... hopefully it will work out better than before.

Here's to life and all that it entails. Oh, yeah.... what if the Hokie Pokie is really what it is all about? :)