"I'm so tired.... but I can't sleep....."

So, I am sitting the lobby of the dorm at 2:00 because I cannot sleep, and I have no idea why. I guess I have some idea, because I don't feel well and I have been so stressed this week.... but I laid there for 2 hours and still couldn't fall asleep. So, I got up and came down here to try and relax..... it isn't working so much because there are annoying people down here working on their Philosophy paper. They are talking about Plato at the moment... pretty sure it is stuff about The Republic.... which I hated.

Anyway, I am over school. This week has been SO bad. I have had so much going on and on my mind. I had 4 tests and 3 presentations... not to mention the financial aid drama and the yearbook. I am managing... but I am just getting to the point where I really need a break. I hate when I get like this because I just can't turn my mind off. That is probably why I can't fall asleep tonight. This is probably going to be the most random, incoherent post I have ever done. But I am counting it as therapy.... who knows if it actually is or not.

So yeah... it is strange how many people are awake at this hour. I am not sure what they are thinking. I, for one, like my sleep. Another reason why this is so annoying for me. I am such a grouch when I haven't had enough sleep... and tomorrow, of all days, I need to be well rested. Oh well... I will be OK. It isn't the first all nighter of my life... probably won't be the last.

Life is so crazy right now. It is such a busy time, with so much going on. I can't believe that I will be graduating in 6 months. It just doesn't seem real that college is over. Time has passed too quickly. I think about all I have learned over these 4 years, and it makes me proud. I can't believe how much I have changed over these years. I am the same person I was 4 years ago, but at the same time.... I am transformed. Not in a freaky transformers kinda way... but rather a good, complete way.

I know I still have so much to learn. That used to scare the shit out of me.... but now it makes me smile. I am thirsty for knowledge. I love to learn, change, and explore. Life is not exactly what I thought it would be at this point of my life, but that is OK. I have taken some major twists and turns over the years, but when I examine the person I have become today.... I am proud. I am me, and everyday, I am learning to love and accept me.

There is a certain peace that comes with loving yourself that I never really realize until now. When you finally stop trying to change who you are, what you have and your circumstances, you it is refreshing. Embracing who you are is not always easy, but once you learn how to, it is worth all the time, effort, and strife it took to get there.

I look back at the mistakes I have made and what each of them has taught me... needless to say, I have learned so much. (The easy way of saying I have screwed up a lot.) There is no reason to waste time quantifying my mistakes, or even analyzing them. What's done is done.... there is no way to go back and change what is in the past. However, I have a choice in where I go now. There is a sense of ease when you put your trust in something higher and know that you will end up where you need to be one way or another. I trust in that something higher and believe wholeheartedly that I am only beginning a very eventful and exciting journey.

I have been thinking a great deal about what I want to do when I "grow up." I have decided several things regarding this topic. 1. I never want to grow up completely. I hope I never lose the youthful sense of life that I now possess. I hope I never stop believing in magic or fairy tales.... because who knows, one just may come true. 2. I hope to have many different careers in my life. I don't want to, at 21; decide the rest of my life. I want to dabble in all the possibilities before me finding my niche. 3. And possibly the most important, I hope that I can always remember the value of life, love, happiness, and experience. There is nothing more precious that life. It can be taken from us so suddenly, most of the time before we are ready. Love is the most amazing aspect of life. It can build you up and tear you down, like nothing else. It has such power over our lives, and can truly make life worthwhile. Happiness is such a relative thing. There is not a formula or exact way to go about finding it. However, when you achieve happiness, it makes it all come together. It really is what it is all about. Experience... that is what helps you learn and grow. I wouldn't be who I am without the experiences I have had... good, bad or otherwise..... Experiences have made me who I am and I am grateful for each and every one of them.

I am getting a second wind. I feel like I could go run a mile.... well, maybe not quite a mile. Maybe around the dorm. But that would involve effort... and that is just not happening. So, instead I think I might try and go to bed.... hopefully it will work out better than before.

Here's to life and all that it entails. Oh, yeah.... what if the Hokie Pokie is really what it is all about? :)