Thoughts from the "Real World"

So much has happened since I last blogged... it seems there is never enough time in the day or days in the week. Time is passing so quickly, yet slowly at the same time.

Work is going well. Things are progressing nicely and I am learning so much each day. The routine of being in an office is a little hard to get used to after being in a classroom all day, everyday for much of my life. I miss school... well... aspects of school- the people, the intellectual aspects, maybe most of the fun and carefree nature that came along with college years. However, I do not miss the homework... so glad that is over!

It seems the day I graduated, I took on a whole lot of responsibility and didn't even really have time to enjoy the sense of accomplishment. But, that is the way life works sometimes.... most of the time really. As soon as you get through one thing, good or bad, there is always something else to follow. This is a very odd stage in a person's life... this whole post-graduation, pre-real life stage. I feel in limbo at times, too old for certain things, yet way too young for others. It is a big change and a major transition and these things never really come easy. I am thinking things will even out in a few months, I will have settled into more a routine and I will find new places to belong and become active in.... it will just take time..... just like everything else.

One of the most odd aspects of all this is the way that the friends and people you were so close to during 4 years of college are the people that you feel most distant from. It isn't because they mean to or even really want to be, it is just what naturally occurs during this phase of our lives. We are all concentrating so much on establishing ourselves and trying to figure out where we belong, that we often forget the people who helped shape us into who we are today. Sometime I wonder if I will be forgotten or will I forget people.... I would like to think no, but life lessons have taught me better.

The fear of being forgotten.... it is something I think everyone thinks about from time to time. Will time, distance, and obstacles lead to the demise of many of the most important friendships that I have had over the years... or we will be able conquer the things that are often hardest overcome in relationships? There are so many questions that come into my mind, so much to think about, worry about, lose sleep over, and dream about. I wonder about my past, my future, my destiny and my legacy. What will people remember me for, will they remember me at all?

Nearly time for my first, of many, meetings of the day. I must dash for now... but it feels good to just let the thoughts flow and open my heart, bare my soul, and allow each of you in..... allow you to remember.... or maybe just rediscover.

Until next time.....

Learning to live

Well, given the date on this post in relation to the last one, it is clear that I am a little behind on all this. So much has gone on in the last 2 months, it is insane.

Instead of reporting on how much time there is left until graduation, I can now say I am a college graduate. Life in the real world is amazing at times and so not what I was imagining at others. But, I am learning what it is all about and starting to get my bearings.

I have a job at VuPal, which is going great. I love it. I am learning so much each day and I am so thankful to have an opportunity like this. I feel like this is right where I am supposed to be right now. It is amazing what can happen when you just let go of the wheel and just go where things take you.

I have a great apartment in the highlands with Lauren. We are slowly, but surely getting things together. I love living here and I am really enjoying living on my own. Paying rent.... I hate. But, the sense of independence and accomplishment I get knowing that I can do this, is great. We are in the decorating process, which is a long one. But it has been a lot of fun. Neither one of us have been here too much this summer. We both have been home a lot and just have a lot going on.

I am hanging out with Sara, Kristina, Nadine, Ashley Heck, and Tiffany a lot and it has been a good summer thus far. I went to Lexington this past weekend and Alexa and I had lunch with some old teachers from high school... it was so good to get to see them and catch up. They all played such a vital role in my life, it was nice for them to get to share in mine and Alexa's accomplishment of graduating. I still haven't full grasped that I won't be going back to school in August.... I don't think it will truly hit me until then.

I really cannot complain about anything in my life right now.... I can always aspire to be a better person and make changes in my life.... but really I am at a good place. I feel strong and sturdy and I have learned to really stand on my own. There are definitely some things, some people that are missing from my life right now that I want back... but I can't really make that happen... one of the hardest lessons I have had to learn. So, until then... I will just keep them in my memories and hope that one day things will be good again.

I am really just trying to keep a positive frame of mind in life, in general. I think that it makes things so much better. I have my days where everything sucks... but I guess those days just make you appreciate the good ones even more. I just want to be the best that I can in every way... I am not there yet... not sure I will actually ever reach that state...but it gives me something to work for and push myself to.

Each day is a new journey, a new opportunity, a new chance to make the day magical..... some days don't quite live up to being magical.. but.... some days do-- Those are the days that make it all worth while.

I am constantly learning; about myself, my friends, my job, my family, my life..... I am learning how to live.

Growing Up Is Hard To Do.....

Ok, so maybe being a "grown up" isn't all it is cracked up to be. First of all, before I even begin to explain... I need to catch everyone up to speed since it has been awhile since I last blogged.

So, it is mid April... meaning that I only have approximately 1 month until Graduation. There are so many emotions going on in my head at this time... I can't even begin to describe them all. I am so happy and proud that I am going to be graduating college and that I have made it to this point in my life and in my journey. I have learned so much and grown vastly as a person. I have had a lot of stuff thrown my way and somehow managed to come out ok. It hasn't been easy and has most definitely not always been fun... but it is my life and I love it.

Anyway, so last week I was offered a job with a new company called VuPal. I am extremely excited, as this is an opportunity of a lifetime. I am going to get to do all the things that I know and love and get paid for them. I am really excited to see what will come of all this... there are endless possibilities and so much room for growth, not only within the company, but also within myself. I am thrilled to be working with people that are smart, savvy, and in the know. The company really has a great vision and so many great ideas.

So that means that I will be staying in Louisville, post-graduation. So, that meant finding a place to live. There have been many hangups along the way with all this, I won't go into them all because, well, there are too many and it upsets me. Anyway, I know for sure I can sublease an apartment for the summer, starting in June, which is great. That takes a large weight off of my shoulders, as that extends my time to figure out what the hell I am going to do. However, after that... I will need a more permanent place to live and that is where the major issues are happening.

I decided to write it all out, crunch all the numbers, and budget for the first time in my life. It is not fun and I do not want to do it. I was SO stoked to get a salary position.... that seemed like a lot of money until you started eating at it with necessary expenses and costs. 50 dollars here, 100 there.... before you know it.... my salary is scraps! Granted, it will still be more money that I have ever had before.... the reality train just came into the station for me.... and I was SO not ready to get on yet.

Things will be fine and I know in the end, I will be able to live just fine.... but it most def will not be the big party I was imagining. I guess this is all part of the process and that you must go through it all, from excitement to anguish.... I am somewhere in the middle at the most. I realized how lucky I have been in my life to never REALLY have to worry about money. There have been times that I have been a little strapped for cash, but never have I had to worry where I was going to get my next meal or how I was going to make ends meet. For this, I am very thankful.

There are people in this world that will never see even 100 dollars, much less a thousand or multiple thousands. When you stop and think about it that way, things seem a lot more clear and easy to take in. At the lowest points in my life, I still have had more than some people ever will. I am worrying about being able to buy Coach purses and have enough money for drinks on the weekend (sometimes during the week, if needed) and those things REALLY do not matter or make life more rich. They may make it more fun and more flashy..... but they aren't what really counts. I should be worrying whether or not I will have enough to adopt a child from one of those feed the children things or donate to a worthy cause..... but that just isn't where my mind is focusing..... I must work on this.

I am a work in progress, to say the least. I have come a very long way.... and still have a long way to go. But, I am working on it, working on me, working on being the best that I can be..... taking each day for what it is worth and not letting too much time pass without stopping to reflect on all that I do have. Focusing on the good is often hard to do, but it really allows you to step out of yourself and look at life a little differently..... it makes the world look different.

I never imagined my life would be what it is today...... but that is ok. Everyday I wake up is a new adventure.... I will let you tag along if you like. :)

Don't Wish Time Away

"We were just wasting time

Let the hours roll by

Doing nothing for the fun

A little taste of the good life

Whether right or wrong

Makes us want to

stay, stay, stay, stay, stay for a while."

I can't count the times I have said, "I can't wait to be done with school" or " I can't wait until I am in the real world." However, now that graduation is less than 4 months away, I am not really sure why I spent so much time wishing time away. This time, it is precious time. Time you can never get back and time that can never be replicated in your lifetime. You really only have now, this moment, this time.....

Life is always like this. You want something to be over so badly so you can move on to the next thing..... but towards the end, you realize how much fun you are having and don't really want it to be over at all. The nature of the beast I suppose. Tonight at the basketball game, I realized how much I will miss times like those; surrounded by friends, laughing and having the time of our lives. College is a very special time in a person's life; full of growth, change, ups and downs. College is where you really learn who you are and how much you can really take. It is about being independent and stepping out of your comfort zone. It is about opening your heart and mind to new ideas and new people. College shapes you, forms you, molds you, and even transforms you.

I am thankful.... for so many things. These four years have tested me-- my inner self, the core being of me. I wasn't perfect, far from it actually, I wouldn't trade these 4 years for anything. I have love, lost, and learned. This is really only the beginning and that is the most amazing part of it all.

Seek and Find: More than a puzzle

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together."

-Marilyn Monroe

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Sometimes, I really don't understand why things happen the way that they do. Why do bad thing happen to good people? Why do only the good die young? Why do people ask dumb questions? Why do people make mistakes that hurt people they care about? When will life make sense? Will life ever make sense? Is there really a secret to life?

While questions sometimes lead to answers, but sometimes they only leave you feeling more unsure than when you started. It has taken me a long time to stop asking so many questions and just live my life. For a long time, I thought I was on this quest for knowledge, but while on this quest, I forgot to just be, just live, just enjoy. Living your life constantly in a state question-- always wondering, always searching, always waiting.... it leads to a dead end and you are right back where you started. Lost, alone, scared, and still searching.

I have found that allowing yourself to find your way as you go is much more fulfilling than always feeling the need to be in control. It hit me one day-- as much as I think I am in control of what goes on in my life, I am not. While each day I am allowed to make choices, there is a bigger plan laid out for me. I lost faith in that plan for awhile, thought I knew a better, more direct route to what I wanted. However, thankfully, I found my way back to where I belong; with the people I love and that love me, to old friends that ground me and to new ones that challenge me, to the place my heart feels content, yet ready for tomorrow.

I decided to stop waiting, planning, searching, and longing. I decided to stop waiting for the phone to ring, and just pick up and call. I decided to stop living my life by my planner, and more by the only book that really matters. I decided to stop searching, and start finding. I decided to stop longing for what I didn't have, what has been lost, what can't be had any longer.... I decided to live. In the moment. In the present. Now.

And wow, does it feel good. I am still on a journey, but the type of journey I am on has changed drastically. My journey is now more simple, more attainable, more realistic, and much more meaningful. I will invite you to join, but I won't allow you to slow me down. The opportunity is present, my hand is extended... all YOU have to do it take it. Take my hand and come along.

The time is now, for tomorrow isn't a guarantee.

People like you can't be forgotten, even when people like me want to forget you

Today, I gave. More than I wanted to, more than I thought I could. I saw you, I engaged you, I even ask you how your damn day was. That was big for me. Because as much as I want to act like you don't matter to me, you do. As much as I want to act like there is nothing there, there is. As much as I want you forget you, I can't. People like you can't be forgotten, even when people like me want to forget you.

You're a part of my memories; sometimes I wish I could just store you away in a box deep inside my heart, like a person stores momentos in an attic. You have power over me still, and I hate it. I hate that I care for you. I hate that I love you. I hate that, I can't hate you.

Someday I am sure I will look back on all this and laugh at myself for being so stuck on you. But for now, I don't laugh about it..... but at least I am not crying anymore.

You just might find if you give it time, you will wave hello again

I am learning ever so quickly the value of being independent, being who you are, and letting things go. I am realizing the the world really can be cruel, isn't all sunshine and roses, and doesn't always give second chances. Bad choices, mistakes, miscues, wrong turns.... they all have consequences-- some more detrimental than others. I am understanding more and more everyday the value of family, friends and loved ones. How quickly they can be taken and how much it hurts when they are gone. I am finding comfort in the simple things in life-- laughing, old photographs, accomplishments and accolades, good conversation, clean sheets, smell good lotion, and oh so many random things that can bring one pleasure. I am reconnecting with old friends and allowing new friends into my life. I am deciding to live for the moment, not in the past or even in the future. I am planning for today, not tomorrow or next week. I think more so I am letting myself let go... let go of so much that has held me back, let me down, caused me pain, hurt, anger, and resentment. I am allowing myself to give second chances, and maybe even get them. I am playing the hand that has been dealt and hoping I can cash in on what cards I have. I am refusing to settle for less than I deserve, less that I am worth, or less that I can achieve. I am pushing my limits and stepping outside my comfort zone. I am living, laughing, and loving more than I ever have. I am going to a whole new level and hoping that a new perspective will allow me to see life completely different. Change can be hard, but it can also be oh so amazing. I am opening my eyes, ears, and heart and embracing the world in which I live. Sometimes the most brilliant and amazing things take a while to discover, even though they have been there all along. I am being me, who I am, for better or for worse.

A new year brings a whole lot of new things... I am ready... ready for whatever this year has to offer. Here I stand, arms and heart wide open; not looking but being ready to be found. Find me.... maybe even find me again.

You'll Never Leave This World Alive

My final semester has started... it is already flying by. I am sure it will be May before I know it. It is so hard to believe... but something that I am extremely proud of. I will be a graduate... have a degree... be in the real world, for real. It is all so much to take in and process.

Post-College life is starting to take shape as well. I applied to the Americorps NCCC program. I have been invited to serve and have been assigned to the Sacramento Campus. The tenure of service is 1o months. They told me that I can expect to be serving at least half of my time in the Gulf Coast, which is something I am very excited about. At first I wasn't sure whether or not this is something that I should do or not, but it really seems like it will be an amazing experience full of learning and good times. 10 months away from home is kind of scary.... but at the same time... I think that it will amazing and I will benefit from the time away from my comfort zone. I feel like I grew a lot while I was at Camp Pinewood, and that was only for 3 months. 10 months doing something that will seriously improve the quality of peoples lives is something that I think I should take full advantage of. I was nervous about deciding what to do after college, however, this opportunity just kind of presented itself... and I am going to see where it takes me.

I feel like each day I live I am growing, learning and changing. I am becoming more aware of the world around me each day and truly what a gift we are given each day we wake up with air to breathe and life to live. My faith and trust in God continues to grow and change as well, bringing we ever closer to God and realizing he is my best friend. It has taken me a long time to get where I am and be comfortable in my own skin. I am learning the beauty of life and little things. I am missing old friends and making new ones, taking chances and laying it all on the line, living- freely and truly.

Tragedy like my family has recently experienced really causes you to look at your life; what you are doing to help yourself and others. We were not designed to be ordinary, we were made to be unique individuals with our own special gifts and talents to use and bring glory to the one that gave them to us in the first place. I have learned so much through the loss of Mary Kate.... and I hate that it has taken me so long to really put all the pieces together. I know I have wasted time being petty, stupid and ignorant to the things that really matter in life. But yesterday is gone, and so are all the missed opportunities. However, the amazing thing is that each day we wake up, we are given a fresh start, a chance to do the right thing, make the right choice, and maybe even to change the world. Start small and work our way to something magical.... it can happen.

I am learning to find peace in the most simple of things- music with a good beat, friends and family that love me, conversation that makes me laugh and smile.... moments and memories... those are the things I want to live for. Not something temporary, but something tangible. Something that I can feel, touch, and love. We all are only here for such a short time, why waste one day... why waste such an amazing and powerful gift? I don't plan to.

Merry and Bright... Teary and Tattered....

My last Christmas break is almost over..... only a few more days, and I will begin my final semester at Bellarmine. It is SO hard to believe. This break has been full of so many emotions: from the wonderful feelings associated with Christmas to the pain and sorrow of losing Mary Kate.

Christmas has always been one of my favorite times of the year, but this year... it was overshadowed by sadness and tears. Mary Kate, my 18 year old cousin was killed in a tragic accident on the December 23rd. She was driving home from her boyfriend's family Christmas party and it was really windy and rainy. In a moment, her young life was over. I spent the day after Christmas and the day following that at the funeral home and in tears. This year and forever, Christmas will never be the same. I will always think of waking up and hearing she had died, the first time I talked to her parents and let them sob in my arms.... It was truly a nightmare. So needless to say, I have had better breaks.

This year has been full of a lot of hard times... the accident this summer, the incident at school, and now this.... so many young people being taken too soon or making choices that will change their lives forever. All of the things I have been through have made me realize we are truly only passing through this life. We never know when our time is up, when our last day will be. Time is so precious and I am lucky each day I wake up with another day to live. I have always known it, but these events have really reaffirmed it.

It is hard to believe it is 2008.... I hope it is the best year yet.... maybe a lofty goal... but I have the power to make it amazing. Who knows what this year will hold, but whatever it is... I hope it is full of happiness, health, and many good memories. I hope that it will be a year to remember and the beginning of many wonderful new things in my life. It is going to be a big year for me..... I am very excited.

Thing have changed in my life... but I think it is for the better. Things still hurt, I still make mistakes... but I am given a daily gift of life and a chance to make things right. I will never be perfect... but I am a lot closer than I used to be.